


Diggin' Up Bones

by WeWillSpockYou



Category: McKirk - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Songfic, Spanking, Twangy Country Music, bad singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 01:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1669886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/pseuds/WeWillSpockYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim's suffering on Gamma shift. He figures everyone else should suffer alongside him!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diggin' Up Bones

James Tiberius Kirk hated Gamma shift. It was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep except for him and the skeleton bridge crew.

Jim was battling severe boredom and a nasty earworm. The song stuck in his head was an ancient country tune from the mid 1980’s. Jim flipped on the shipwide broadcast and began to croon:

**_I'm diggin' up bones, I'm diggin' up bones_ **   
**_Exhuming things that’s better left alone_ **   
**_I'm resurrecting memories of love that's dead and gone_ **   
**_Yeah tonight I'm settin' alone diggin' up bones._ **

“The fuck is that?” Uhura mumbled, half awake.

“Judging by the choice of song, I would say the Captain’s boredom is an eight of ten.”

“Someone should put that poor animal out of its misery.”

“I believe that would be the Doctor’s job.”

 

“Fuck me sideways in a Jeffrey’s Tube.” The doctor in question yelled out to the empty room. It had been a bitch of a day. One stupid ensign had ignored his ‘safe-sex on shore leave’ chat and now half the ship had come down with a nasty case of Andorian Spotted Fever. Worse still, was the fact that Bones hadn’t slept in thirty-six hours.

He’d come back to the quarters he shared with the blue-eyed menace otherwise known as the Captain of this floating bucket of rust, otherwise known as his dumb-ass husband, pleased as punch that Jim was on Gamma shift, if only so he could sleep in peace without his husband, the human starfish, clinging to him. Now he was lying on his stomach, pillow pulled over the back of his head, covering his ears to drown out the caterwauling of the love of his life. Ordinarily, Bones loved it when Jim sang to him, but at this precise moment in time, Bones wanted to punch out his larynx.

Bones had just settled into his favorite position when Jim started up again.

**_Then I went through jewelry and I found our wedding rings_  **   
**_I've put mine on my finger and I gave yours a flame_ **   
**_I crossed this lonely bedroom of our recent broken home_ **   
**_Yeah tonight I'm settin' alone diggin' up bones._ **

“He’s gonna die fuckin’ slow.” Bones muttered as he threw off the covers and crawled out of bed. Not even bothering to put on his slippers, he padded barefoot out of their quarters to the turbolift.

“Bridge.” He commanded the computer and wondered how many people would vote in favor of mercy killing at his court marshal.

The door to the bridge swished open. The meager skeleton crew was terrified of what they saw. It was a bleary-eyed Doctor McCoy, his hair was sticking up all over the place and there was cold-blooded murder in his eyes. “Ya’ll’re gonna wanna go git some coffee and I’ll be thankin’ ya for ignorin’ the screams.”

The bridge crew scrambled out of the room.

James Tiberius Perfect-Voice knew he was about to die. Never before had he heard so many mangled words come out of his beautiful husband’s mouth at one time. It was simple math, the number of “countrified” words Bones spoke was inversely proportional to how fucking pissed off Bones was at any given moment. Jim figured Bones was half way between Klingon and Nausicaan. He edged out of the Captain’s chair and started to side step away from his husband.

“We’re ya goin’, Jimmy?” Bones asked slowly. “Thought the point of yer little performance, was to git m’ass up here. Well, here I am.” Bones was slowly advancing on Jim as Jim continued to back pedal.

Jim was trapped like a cornered rat. He could feel his breath coming faster and his eyes were darting back and forth looking for a means of escape. He was doomed.

Bones was waiting for Jim to commit to a direction and when Jim broke left, Bones pounced, snaking his legendary right hand out to grab his infant husband by the arm, dancing him around the bridge until Jim was face first against the viewscreen.

“Well now, fancy meetin’ you here, Jimbo.”

“Bones, come on, it was all in good fun.”

“I’m ‘fraid your definition of fun differs a smidge from mine, Jim-boy. Ya see, I been up for fuckin’ thirty-six hours straight, curin’ members of yer dumb-ass crew too stupid to wear a fuckin’ condom when fuckin’ members of fuckin’ alien races.”

Bones’ anger could also be measured, in a pinch, by the number of times he used a variation of the word “fuck” in one sentence. Not only was Jim going to die, it was gonna hurt like, if you’ll pardon the French, fuck.

“Take off ya britches, Jimmy.” Bones said on a weary sigh.

“Now you’re talkin’ Bones! Jim’s blood ran cold at the look on Bones’ face when glanced back over his shoulder. Bones’ eyes were hard, his nostrils were flared and his right eyebrow was arched so high, it looked like it was seeking asylum in Bones’ hairline. Jim swallowed hard.

“Don’ make me ask ya twice.” Bones hissed into his ear.

Jim shivered and reached for his belt buckle. He quickly pushed his pants down to the floor.

“Un-fuckin-believable, you went commando.” Bones was about to have a nervous breakdown. Jim had planned this whole elaborate ruse to have sex with him. Why couldn’t he just ask for a blowjob like any normal husband? “Assume the p’sition.” Bones ordered.

“Bones, I’m- Yooowwchh.” Jim yelped as Bones slapped his ass hard. Jim quickly moved his hands up to the glass of the viewscreen and he spread his legs.

Bones gave Jim ten hard slaps on the ass. His right hand was sore and red by the time he was finished, but that was nothing compared with the state of Jim’s ass. He turned and walked off the bridge.

When the doors of the turbolift swished shut behind Bones, the bridge crew of the cloaked Romulan vessel parked off the port bow, broke into a round of applause.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6AaHrOYpi0>

**Author's Note:**

> I was driving to work one morning a few weeks ago and flipped the radio station to Prime Country on XM radio. This station plays classic country from the 80’s and 90’s and this Randy Travis song was playing. I was laughing so hard, I was crying. I could see Bones chasing Jim around the bridge in my head and I knew I had to write this fic. I have included a link to this song, so you can hear it in all it’s twangy glory!


End file.
